Why Haven’t I Shoplifted Lately?

Let me throw a scenario at you. You’re in Safeway to buy maybe one or two small things – sauce mix, bulk toothpicks, She-Hulk vs. Just Kidding Nobody Reads She-Hulk, what have you. You find the first thing, grab it, look at it and think, “I should just steal this.” Then you put it either back on the shelf or in your basket like some sort of chump.

I can’t be the only person that has happened to.

The point being, I can’t figure out why I don’t steal more stuff. Especially in scenarios like the one above, where I could totally get away with it.

So why don’t I steal more?

Theory I: I’m incredibly wealthy

While I do dress like this, the entire outfit is a hand-me-down. Also, I cannot grow a moustache like that no matter how much Rogaine I smear on my budding lip ferret.

Those who know me know this isn’t true. So does my lengthy list of creditors and my bookie, who is probably tracking my ISP as we speak. I’ll be lucky if I make it out of the weekend with both knees unbroken.

Theory II: I have a conscience

While others have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, I get this guy. That’s it.

This is also not true. I do have a conscience – I would never be able to steal from a mom and pop shop or a homeless kid. But I have a pretty good feeling that if I were to jack something from Safeway, go home and make supper with it, I would probably sleep just fine that night.

Theory III: I live in fear of repercussions

Though I do live in fear of waterboarding.

Not really. I can’t think of any way a shoplifting conviction would be a hindrance on my life. Although it would be embarrassing explaining to a border guard that I stole that soup mix because I had a killer craving for some minestrone. Embarrassing and hilarious, yes. Worth living in fear of, not really.

Theory IV: I’m a good person

This is me contemplating the death of God, my standing as a good person and a near-future jaunt to the local 7-11 for some All Dressed Ruffles.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA… Oh, mercy. Sometimes I crack myself up.

Theory V: I can’t be bothered

“Yeah, I’ll get around to stealing something one of these days. When it’s not so hot.”

This one is more likely. I’m not incredibly lazy, but I just don’t want the hassle of having to hide things in my pocket, make sure nobody sees, outrun a security guard, change my identity, move to Panama… Yeah. A lot of work for a free pack of chicken-flavoured Sidekicks.

Now, this isn’t meant to start a rash of minor shoplifting. It is merely an exploration of my psyche and what drives my actions or lack thereof.

So next time you’re not doing something, ask yourself why. The answer may astound you. You may even learn a little about yourself.

While you’re doing that, I’ll be strolling by your parking spot, totally wondering why I’m not stealing your car.

Unless this is your car. If it is, I’ll be wondering why I’m not dousing your car in bleach and lighting it on fire.

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