How DC Plans to Get its Groove Back

Pardon the lame, largely irrelevant title, but “Back in Black: Racy DC Titles Getting a Reboot” was taken. Also, it didn’t make any sense. Titles are like tropical storms – sometimes they are weak and nobody really notices. Other times, they are so strong they flood towns and kill people. Like bad analogies and limp-wristed attempts at topical humour.

The point is, today’s a big day for DC. The final issue of Flashpoint comes out, and DC starts its entire lineup from issue 1. Right now, there are DC supernerds flipping through new first issues they picked up at midnight at comic stores across Canada.

So what does that mean?

It means Stacy Gordon’s out of the wheelchair, Lois and Clark are no longer married and The Flash is back to being the cocaine-addicted, one-eyed, Republican S & M fetishist he began as (or was that Wonder Woman?)

"I learned everything I know about spanking and tight outfits from Wonder Woman."

The idea behind the whole reboot thing, according to DC, is to bring new readers into the fold, especially younger ones. Also, DC could do with selling some more comics. And when more comics are sold, it means more money. When more money comes rolling in, DC can afford to make more movies that, maybe, if lucky, will be good enough to actually get people into the theatres.

Little known fact: Catwoman was so good, Halle Berry quit starring in movies after it was released. Why bother acting when you know you just starred in the greatest movie of all time, right?

So what’s the harsh truth that DC may be unwilling to admit – they pulled a Brand New Day. Most of the DC storylines were such a goddamn clusterfuck that they couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without digging themselves even deeper into the Black Hole Spiderweb of Storytelling (when a story gets too big and too self-involved to actually make any coherent sense to anyone else but comic scholars). So they erased everything and started over again, in the hopes of  never getting into the same mess so many comics get into (they will).

Also, Batwoman is gay now. Take that, Half-Hispanic, Half-Black Spider-Man!

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