Every once in a while, Longbox of Awesome brings in special guest bloggers. It costs thousands in cotton candy and hookers, but we do it because we love you. So, here is the second installment by Brandon Craig, a longtime lover of all things stored in longboxes. You know, comics, rifles, porcelain dolls – all that good stuff. Enjoy!
Good day! So glad to see you folks again. I’m also glad to see that my blogging virus has worked and I can now physically see you through your computer screens. May I be the first to say we need to clean ourselves up friends. Listen, I know that usually when you read a blog you’re relaxing and looking for some laughs so perhaps you’re not looking as sharp as you could. But now that I’ve opened this one way viewing portal through your screen you should put a little more effort into this. I did this so I could watch people chuckle and masturbate (hopefully not both at once) not look at a bunch of un-groomed nerf herders. Everybody right now needs to do some grooming. Before reading further I want you to position your hand near your mouth, use that spit-brush you call a tongue to douse said hand with saliva and rub your forehead vigorously, clearing it of any debris or scuff marks. Try this when your mouth is full of toothpaste for an extra germ-fighting boost!
Sweet! Now we’re ready for a blog as well as impromptu job interviews. You know, like when a stranger bursts into your house and begins grilling you about where you see yourself in five years. Thank me later when managing that counterfeiting operation you’ve always wanted and making a billion dollars a year.
Jobs are a topic ripe for discussion. I mentioned in my first post that I have had many jobs in my brief time here on this world. My resume looks like someone is hunting me and I’m trying to stay one step ahead of them. None of the jobs have been directly related to comics. I know, I know, I get it all the time but I am not the same Brandon Craig who was the writer/creator of the critically acclaimed and commercially unremarkable superhero duo Ham and Cheese. Yet.
(Think they’re good in a sandwich? Wait till you see them fight crime! Ham’s the strong guy able to deliver ham-fisted punches while playing it up for the cameras. The Cheeser is a shapeshifter. When in his melted form he becomes an oily Mr. Fantastic, sticking, stretching and cracking jokes only a 5-year-old could enjoy. Together with their speedster sidekick Ketchup there isn’t a criminal on the sci-fi wasteland known as The Plate safe from their delicious, yet easy to make, brand of justice.)
No, the only comic related jobs I have had are the ones that leave me with enough spare time to sit back and get some reading done. The two that stick out are my summer stint working at the Fairview Tourist Information Booth in my hometown and the winter I spent as a medic in Conklin. Let’s break these two winners down.
Sat in a shack for “tourists” to visit in Fairview
Beat Final Fantasy X
Read my best friend’s fantastic Fantastic Four collection
No sexual activity
Sat in a truck and waited for people to get injured (never happened in 3 months of work)
Beat Final Fantasy XII
Read Dragon Ball Z, Essential X-men vol 1-3, and any other graphic novels I could borrow from the library before leaving Edmonton
Once masturbated to stay awake
At the end of the day I was really terrible at both of these jobs and mildly disliked them. I had zero knowledge of outdoorsy things to do in Fairview and could only offer vague suggestions to customers (Dunvegan?). If you’ve ever been bad at your job you know how crappy it feels to job keep failing day in and day out. As far as the medic job went, I had zero confidence in my abilities and spent half the time freaking out about what would happen if someone actually got hurt. Both seemed like amazing opportunities to be a slack ass and read (YES!) but I learned that in practice excessive inactivity mixed with incompetence makes you feel like a useless shithead (NO!). That’s why Spider-Man goes out and fights crime. If he spent all his time reading and napping he would get his ass kicked whenever the Green Goblin came around and he would feel bad. Also I think his uncle died.