What the Hell is Wrong with Riverdale?

More generally speaking, what the Hell is wrong with Archie comics? Not more than two weeks ago, Longbox of Awesome featured an interview with Riverdale resident Jughead Jones, where an attempt was made to get the story behind a particularly disturbing cover. It revealed something far more sickening than a “Take Your Useless Teenage Son to Work Day” gone awry. It showed Jughead in a light few have seen him in before – as a cold, uncaring food addict willing to sacrifice dozens of innocent lives for nothing more than a turkey.

He should be grateful it wasn't this turkey.

And now, there is something more disturbing than those previous covers – the recent covers of World of Archie and Archie and Friends Double Digest.


Clearly, the creative team running the show over at Archie comics is running short on ideas. That may be the most disturbing thing about both of these covers. Seeing that our grocery store shelves are littered with this kind of low-grade, idea-free crap, Longbox of Awesome decided to eavesdrop on a meeting of the creative team over at Archie comics. The following is an excerpt from the recordings (names have been changed to protect the identities of the guilty parties).

Dude McCleary: Okay fellas, looks like we got some, uh… World of Archie and some Archie and Friends to write at least one new story for.

Shippy Shanks: Haven’t we reached the point where we can just, you know, completely recycle old stories? I mean, we fill every issue with recycled stories anyway – I mean, look at this one; Jughead is wear fuckin’ bell-bottoms – can’t we just go all the way and draw only a new cover?

Dude: No, we haven’t reached that point yet. Where is everyone else?

Shippy: They quit. They couldn’t handle it anymore; the constantly trying to come up with ways that Archie had to decide between two equally beautiful women. Too much stress.

Dude: That’s fair. God, I wish we could just kill that smarmy ginger.

Shippy: You know…

Dude: Not yet. We can have a robot chase after him and a few random friends, though.

Shippy: Fine…

Dude: No, we can’t do that yet, either. Anyways, here’s the newest cover – it’s Archie going down a slide. He looks really happy about it, too. Man, just filled with unrestrained teenage joy. Remember those days? Where we used to be so excited about Archie and his wacky adventures? Huh? Remember that?

Shippy: Throw a shark in it; let’s fuckin’ do this.

Dude: Yeah, fuck it. Done.

So there you have it, folks. The creative team consists of two bitter, angry old men who gave up on their creativity and youthful dreams years ago. One of them may be an ex-convict.

Keep it locked on Longbox of Awesome for more updates on the “who cares anymore” direction Archie has taken.


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