Recently, Longbox of Awesome decided to review Green Lantern. Because it was probably going to be shitty, the decision was made to make something of a live blog-type review. Notes were made as the movie progressed, then they were transcribed here for you, the loyal readers, everyone more beautiful than the one previous. Enjoy!
– Oh wow, the last Harry Potter looks sweet. Maybe some sort of accident at the studio occurred and the film that will be airing today is actually the last Harry Potter. Fingers crossed…
– Ah, dammit. Should’ve known that’d never happen. And I don’t even like Harry Potter.
– Man, Warner Bros.’ logo looks more Sinestro than Green Lantern. Does that mean Warner Bros. feeds off the fear of those watching their movies?
– That’s Parallax? He looks less like a massive galactic parasite and more like an angry old man whose blue pills got switched for some red ones.
– Holy hell, those dudes can survive a fall. Oh, but not for long.
– Parallax actually kinda looks like Ghost Rider. Except, you know, worse. Yes, worse than a flaming Nicholas Cage.
– Abin Sur, I gotta say, maximum speed looks slow as fuck. You need a new ship.
– Okay, now you really need a new ship.
– White-haired Tim Robbins looks kinda like Bill Clinton. Robbins ’12!
– Woah. Carol Ferris actually looks hotter than she does in the comics. Not as stacked, but really, who is? Special effects haven’t advanced that much.
– Oh, and she flies planes.
– I don’t remember Hal Jordan being funny at all. I guess some things don’t change from paper to screen.
– Who says “motorcycle” in casual conversation?
– Wow. I think Ghostbusters had better special effects.
– And they weren’t dumb enough to show that movie in 3-D, which really only highlights how terrible the special effects are.
– Oh boy. A nude scene with Abin Sur. Funny, I always imagined he had a penis. Maybe he does, he just does a wicked tuck job.
– What the fuck is with the lantern? You know, sometimes modernization makes things look even shittier. A lantern for instance, after modernization, becomes a confusing bucket-like thingy.
– Sinestro’s eyebrows match his ears.
– Sinestro’s contacts must have set the budget back a good 20 bucks.
– Ah, nice! Sam Cooke!
– Hal is more Kyle Rayner than Hal Jordan.
– Random bar fight!
– Tomar-Re is English. Who knew?
– Also, who knew Kilowog was black?
– BZZT! HOLY FUCK IT’S BZZT! THIS MOVIE REDEEMED ITSELF FOR 1.4 SECONDS!
– Yay, a random rivalry that seems to spring out of absolutely nowhere. I didn’t even know those two knew eachother.
– [This comment was even commented on later on in the movie] A race car? Really?
– Hm. I was expecting a Snow Patrol song right about here. Like, some “Chasing Cars”- type ballad.
– How does a flamethrower made of energy shoot real flames?
– “Because I’m afraid.. of the direction this movie is going.” BA-ZING!
– I thought Parallax was immortal, just like the rest of the Guardians. Oh, guess not. How ’bout that for the least climactic final scene ever?