The End of Smallville, the Beginning of Superman Being Kind of a Dick

So, Smallville ended last week.  Clark Kent/Kal-El finally said, “fuck it” and threw on the tights his dad left for him in the Fortress of Solitude, got close to marrying Lois, threw a planet into space and… Other stuff.  Apparently, Oliver Queen slapped on the Green Arrow outfit and got in a fight.  Oh, and Lex Luthor came back alive (it really is a comic book-based show!) and shanked his sister.

Oh, spoiler alert.

Green Arrow: too young for a goatee and hat, but old enough for a snazzy codpiece.

And some people watched it – nearly three million, to be exact.

The main problem with the episode was the very last scene.  Clark Kent is talking to Lois when someone shouts out something about a bomb in an elevator shaft.  Naturally, seeing this as a chance to go balls to the wall as something more than the red-and-blue blur, Clark runs to the roof.  On the roof, he flips off his glasses, throws his blazer on the ground, and does the classic “Superman-shirt-pop costume reveal.”  An expected ending, for sure.  So what’s the problem?

“Are you gonna tell me or what?” Fuckin’ doubt it, Booster. Nice codpiece.

Who the hell does he think he is, throwing clothes away like that?  First of all, that has to be a major inconvenience.  If a wind came up while he was off grabbin’ bombs, all of his clothes would be scattered all across the city block.  So when he came back, he would have to spend a good few seconds acting like a stripper and awkwardly picking up his clothes.  And if anyone saw Superman (sorry, the red-and-blue blur) doing that, they’d probably wonder what in the living fuck is going on.

“I could tell you what’s going on, but it may distract you from my awesome metal alloy thong-like codpiece.”

Okay, let’s say Super- sorry, Clark – sorry, the red-and… Whatever.  Let’s say he loses his clothes, then goes flyin’ back to his apartment to get a change of clothes.  Even though he would be able to do such a thing much quicker than ol’ slowpoke Lois, it would still be a major pain in the ass.

“Speaking of pains in the ass... Where the hell is my codpiece? Swear to God, as soon as I make General...”

Not only is it a pain, it is also a shameful waste of perfectly good clothing.  You would think that someone like Superman could at least toss them through the window of a local Value Village on his way to wherever.

“I love truth, justice and the American codpiece. But I fucking hate charity.”

Not to say whatsisname is an insensitive jerk or anything.  Maybe he should just invest in a suitcase or something.


One thought on “The End of Smallville, the Beginning of Superman Being Kind of a Dick

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