A Completely Impartial Review (Yeah, Right) of “Thor”

So, Thor was awesome.  In fact, a lot more awesome than Longbox of Awesome previously predicted.  So in the battle of Thor versus X-men: First Class, the one about the big, hulking dude with a giant hammer is now considered a contender.

Oh, for - seriously? Longbox of Awesome: classier with every post. For the record, Ron Jeremy was never a contender for film of the summer. Well, unless This Ain't Ghostbusters: XXX doesn't suffer from studio meddling.

For those going into Thor with lofty expectations of a film that will change their lives and inspire another million and a half metal songs… You’re going to be disappointed.  Well, there will still be a ton of metal songs written about Thor, but it may not follow the movie.  We’ll see – Mastodon still has to write the “fire” themed album, right?

Anyways, the film follows Thor as he is banished from Asgard (AKA: Extremely well-polished semi-futuristic Rome – seriously, they must pay the floor waxers a ton) and sent down to Earth.  Meanwhile, his brother, the always slippery Loki, takes over the throne from Hannibal Lec- sorry, Odin.

Oh, and Natalie Portman continues being adorable in a really sexy way.

She plays a thief that uses her cheekbones to cut glass.

The film is perfect summer fare – it’s got a good blend of massive-scale action, humour and enough escapist fantasy to satisfy the average viewer while still giving little winks to the comic readers.

Of course, Stan Lee shows up, which was cool.  So does Hawkeye, who is totally underutilized – he doesn’t even fire a shot!  And someone who could totally be mistaken for Luke Cage whups Thor pretty good at some point.  Even Thor’s alter ego, Dr. Donald Blake (of course he’s a doctor) is utilized in an original, hilarious way that actually seems natural and completely reasonable.

Something belonging to Dr. Strange even shows up…

Longbox of Awesome won't tell you what it is, but Dr. Strange thinks it rocks. Okay here's a hint: It's not Paranoid by Black Sabbath, although that would have been sweet.

So go see Thor.  It’s a good time, if only for the fact that you get to see Stringer Bell decapitate some frost giants.  Oh, and be sure to stick around after the credits.  There’s a scene with both versions of Nick Fury (the white one being played by George Clooney) having a battle royale (with cheese).


2 thoughts on “A Completely Impartial Review (Yeah, Right) of “Thor”

  1. I need some clarification. Where, on the Natalie Portman hotness scale of Queen Amidala in make-up to that scene in Black Swan with Mila Kunis, would you rate how hot Natalie Portman is in this movie? Please advise.

    • She’s more of a cute hot in this one – an important distinction. While the Black Swan scene was crazy hot, no doubt about it, it certainly didn’t make her appear more attractive. Like, you wouldn’t want to date her in Black Swan. Whereas you wouldn’t want to date her as Queen Amidala, either, as she has too much baggage. Also, you run the risk of having her send in one of her stand-ins. So in terms of a cute chick you would want to date – she is certainly a nine.

      But if you want a straight ahead hotness rating… One being Queen Can’t-Handle-Childbirth and 10 being Obsessbo…

      Seven. Definitely seven.

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